| Bumpy Dick |
[Sep. 26th, 2005|04:10 pm] |
Sup,
I've recently discovered that my boyfriend has genital
warts. It's fine, really, cuz he put cream on them and
other fine juices. but I wanna know--is it from bugs
or is it from doing it w/o a rubber?
This is a sex column, right?
Signed,
Boyfriend Dick All Bumpy
Dear Boyfriend Dick All Bumpy,
First of all, I appreciate the letter, but I really do need to remind you of Adviceicist protocol. This is a family column, which means manners, manners, manners. Our world is woefully lax on civility these days. So start your missives with "Dear Adviceicist," in the future. It sets the tone, and promises that you will get the best advice I can give!
Now, on to your question!
I've got one word for you: dumphim. Did you know that many religions believe that warts are the sign of the devil? That, of course, is where the modern cultural stigma against warts comes from. Basically, wherever you stand on the cultural question of unsightly blemishes and sexually transmitted diseases, there is one thing that we can all agree on: dick warts are for losers.
Ownard and upward, Boyfriend Dick All Bumpy. Onward and Upward.
Good luck,
Adviceicist. |
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| Lucky in Love? |
[Sep. 1st, 2005|10:37 am] |
Dear Adviceicist,
All these last few months, Mariah has been asking if we could go
out. But, of course, she was crazy. Now that she's experienced the
transmorgraphacation of mimaricy or whatever, I am worried that she
won't like me any more. How do you get sane girls to like you?
best,
Lucky in Love?
(I hope so! ;))
Dear Lucky in Love?,
There's no real way to get sane girls to like you, but there's definitely ways to make it so they can't leave. One thing a lot of my readers have recommended in their letters is the wide array of "aphrodisiacal" drugs, like GhB and crack. The basic idea, though, is far simpler: get her pregnant. If you do this, she will be forced to live with you for the rest of her life. Hate you or love you, sane or insane, you better believe there will be breakfast on the table in the morning and dinner on the table every night, or there's going to be hell to pay. We're talking physical abuse, LiL?. Also known as: homemade marriage counseling.
Good luck,
Adviceicist. |
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| Brotherly Hate |
[Jul. 25th, 2005|01:20 pm] |
Dear Adviceicist,
my bother is lazy and is in a wheel chair. How can I fuck him over?
Oh yeah, he's black too.
Sincerely,
Brotherly Hate
Dear Brotherly Hate,
There's actually a lot of ways to fuck over a person in a wheelchair. More ways even than with just a regular person! There is an old joke that goes there is this girl in a wheelchair and she meets a guy and she asks him to fuck her and he throws her in the ocean. Do you get it? So, you might want to start there. If his arms are real strong, and he manages to swim-then-pull himself to safety, you can always deliver him into the hands of some racists. Who live in the woods. Woods are best.
Good luck,
Adviceicist. |
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